


What if I'm not Enough?

by ScarredFallenAngel



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Barry Allen Needs a Hug, Character Death, Depression, I'm Bad At Tagging, It Gets Worse, M/M, Multi, No Fluff, Polyamory, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Triggers, enjoy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 09:19:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarredFallenAngel/pseuds/ScarredFallenAngel
Summary: Barry Allen is believed to have it all. Two boyfriends who love him, perfect family, superpowers, but....he still feels the weight of his life. He's at his breaking point and can't do it anymore.Part 1 of a 3 part mini series.Now complete





	1. Loves I Loved the Most

**Author's Note:**

> I will say while no description of the acts are used, I will put a trigger warning up just to be on the safe side. This does deal with depression and suicide so please if you are ever feeling suicideal please call someone reach out, I will always be willing g to help someone in this predicament as I have been there and I promise things do get better.

Barry Allen looked around him, listened to the sounds of the people in the streets wondering what the point was anymore. Iris had Eddie (he couldn’t stand seeing his best friend looking so down so he may or may not have went back in time and saved Eddie. He was the only one who remembered though.), Cisco had Lisa, Joe now had the son that was actually his, Oliver had Felicity (which finally they got together as they really were perfect together.), and what did he have? Two boyfriends that were never really there. Mick and Len would definitely never change and stay in Central (He couldn’t ask that of them as they were truly happy on the Waverider and he didn’t want them to stay home in central and be miserable because of him.). He wiped at the tears that were running down his face, thinking about how Len would sneer at him for how he was acting. Call him a child and that he needed to man up. Mick would just probably laugh in his face. He knew his mind was made up because he couldn’t do this anymore. He only caused death and destruction to those around him. His mother was dead because of him, his father was dead because of him, Ronnie was dead because of his selfish need to save his mother. Iris almost lost Eddie, Cisco lost Dante because of him. He couldn’t hurt those he cared about anymore. He grabbed some paper and a pen and began saying his goodbyes. One to Oliver, Lisa, Cisco, Joe, Iris and Eddie, Wally, and one to the two people he thought of as the loves of his life. Their note was the hardest to write, his tears hitting and smearing the words. 

Len and Mick,  
There is so much that I would like to say to you, where do I begin? Let’s start at the beginning. You found me when I needed someone the most, losing nine months of my life only to wake up and have these super powers. Keeping that secret from those I cared about most was impossible. Just as everything came crashing in, Len, you showed up. You made me stop and think about what I needed to do. You say that I made you up your game as a thief, but you Len, you made me up my game as a person. Time went by and you weren’t around and then you came and you brought Mick to Central. You both made me think. I couldn’t get you out of my mind from day one. I know that I never admitted that to you, but it’s the truth. I was smitten from day one. Then I got to know you, and you both stole my heart. Who’d’ve thunk it? The villains of the Flash’s biggest score would be the Flash’s heart. You were there for me with the whole Eobard not-Wells situation. You kept my head clear, you kept my head on my shoulders. But I still fucked it all up didn’t I? Going back in time - causing the singularity.

Mick, you taught me that, yes, while Scar’s hurt, if you spend your life angry or letting others control you, what kind of life is that really? You, next to Len, are one of the most observant and intellectual person I know. You put your all into the things you enjoy, such as your cooking. God, I’ve missed your desserts something fierce these past few months, not any one in particular. But I’ve missed you more. I’ve missed both of you. Mick, you helped me see that I don’t need the approval of everyone else, that as long as I’m okay with it - screw everyone else. I love you for that. 

God, I wish I could say this all to your face, but my time is up. You guys have each other and the waverider, so I know you’ll be okay. I love you both so much, I just wish that I was enough anymore…..  
Happy Anniversary, Loves. 2 whole years together, wish time was on our side. I made sure that you were able to have a piece of me with you at all times. I love you with all my heart, throughout time and space. Please, never forget that.

Goodbye and well wishes,  
Barry 

Barry wiped at his eyes and got up, walking to the closet pulling out two boxes of different sizes. One for Mick, which contained a lighter etched with a lightning bolt that had a snowflake behind it and embers as if on fire all around it. On the back it had cursive writing on it reading “Love you all throughout time, Mick. -Barry.” There was also a couple burned CD’s of Mick’s favorite songs covered by Barry except the last two where he had burned all the videos on a dvd that they had. Barry had recorded a bunch of video of their time together, for the nights he really missed his lovers while they were gone. The other was Len’s, containing three ticket vouchers for his choice of favorite theatre performances in New York. Under them was a framed drawing of the three of them with the picture it was drawn of in the corner. In the corner was Barry’s scribbled signature.

He had been planning his death for the past 6 months. He knew that while yes, they may not understand or forgive him for what he was doing, part of him wanted to make it somewhat easier or just make it to where they’d never forget him. Part of him just wanted them to have a physical piece of him with them for as long as they wanted to keep it. 

He set the boxes down on the bed and put his note on the top before walking to the kitchen grabbing the eight pounds of ice he had gotten to slow his healing factor and walked it to the bathroom closing and locking the door behind him.


	2. We Can't Live Without Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Mick come home to suprise their Scarlet Speedster for their anniversary, it doesn't go an they saw it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: there is imergary and wording that could trigger episodes. Please read with caution.

Len, despite himself, couldn’t keep the small smile off his face. It had been 2 years that he and Mick had nabbed themselves the Scarlet Speedster’s heart. He had been trying to figure out what they could get their boy as an anniversary present, pacing and muttering to himself, before Mick finally got annoyed, fucked him till his brain was silent. Suggested a night of Mick’s cooking and them loving their speedster till he couldn’t form a sentence. Perfect for the kid wasn’t one for the flashy stuff Len could easily steal as he would make him take it back as soon as Len and Mick were done with him. 

Pretty early on in their relationship they learned very quickly that the way to Barry’s heart was food. Speedsters were always moving, their system burning calories, he needed upwards to 10,000 to 20,000 calories in a day which made Mick giddy with the thought he could always go to Barry when he was trying to perfect a recipe and get someones input and help the kid get the proper amount of calories to not pass out from hypoglycemia. In the beginning when that happened in front of Mick, the pyromaniac ended up freaking out. When Barry told him what happened, he went on a cooking frenzy. Must have spent a good 3 hours of cooking and shoving it in front of the kid. Anytime Barry tried to protest and get up from where Mick had him in the kitchen, he was met with glares and growled threats. He let it be known he wasn’t messing around and Barry eventually gave up protesting. Mick could be the ultimate mother hen, if he wanted to. His protective instincts were amongst that Len has never seen in all his years. 

 

He looked to Mick who was finishing his packing. He took in the crease of his eyebrows and the worry that was on his face. It had been on his face since the last video that Barry had sent to them through Gideon. 

“What’s up, Mick?” Len asked, finally getting annoyed because the usually attentive pyro had been quite stuck in his head and unattentive. 

“Somethin’s not right. I’ve seen Doll tired before, pulling double even triple shifts, and the tired I saw in his eyes….I’ve seen that look before. Len, the last time I saw that look is right before you got away from your bastard of an ol’ man. When you were on the edge of doing something stupid. Something is’t right.” 

Len thought about how Barry had looked, the spark gone from his gorgeous green eyes. How his face looked sunken in as if he was a corpse dark circles and protruding cheekbones. Mick was right, something was wrong. 

He smirked at Mick, “You’re right, but maybe it’s time to blow this popsicle stand. Yah know, a bunch of bleeding hearts aren’t really my style and I could do with reminding Central City who is the best of the best. Can’t be forgotten about.” He drawled out, in his “Captain Cold” tone, which made Mick give him a crazed grin. 

“Whadda yah waiting for, Boss? Les go.” Mick closed his duffel and grabbed his heat gun while Len grabbed his cold gun. They made their way off of the Waverider, saying their goodbyes.

Len walked up to Sara, smirking. “I know it’d be just down right cold of me to not say goodbye to my favorite of the bleeding hearts.” He watched her roll her eyes fondly at his horrible pun.

“Len, you know how to get ahold of me should you miss me too much. Now, go get you your hot piece of ass.” She smirked, bumping her shoulder with his. 

“I’ll keep that in mind. See yah around.” Len said, giving her a two finger salute before he and Mick walked off towards their prize.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

They came upon their safehouse that they knew Barry had been staying. Once Barry had come into their lives, he and Mick had decided to make one safehouse a main one that way Barry could always find them. They did this after their records had been “misplaced” in the police station. Have to thank their wonderful boyfriend and his scooby gang for that one.

Len pushed the door open and immediately noticed their boys shoes that were just discarded by the door. He smiled at how something that most people doing that would just positively annoy the piss out of him but with Barry he found it quite charming. He gave Mick a faux annoyed look, mischief dancing in his eyes. Mick snorted at his boyfriend, knowing that Len appeared to everyone as this cold unfeeling asshole but if he actually let people in they would see how caring and full of feelings he was. He just didn't show it how most people did. He did it through actions not words. 

“Honey, we’re home.” Len called out, only to be met with silence. Len’s brow furrowed in confusion, “Scarlet?” Still silence.

“Maybe he's sleeping?” Mick grumbled. 

Len rolled his eyes and sighed, “Let’s hope he didn't fall asleep in the bath again. One of these days he’s going to do that and get hurt.” 

Len and Mick stalked silently to the bedroom and opened the door, peering in before walking in. The bed was empty of their boy but the ensuite bathroom light was on. Len and Mick took stalk of the boxes on the bed and the paper perched on the top of it. Len smiled fondly at the sight. Then confused he looked at Mick, “How’d Scarlet know we were coming?” 

Mick looked back shaking his head, “I didn't tell him and the crew didn't know till yesterday so no way they told him. Lisa didn't know either.” 

Len sighed, “Let's wait on that stuff till he's here to see us read and open everything.” Mick nodded and grabbed it taking it and putting it on the floor in case they needed to tuck Barry in.

Len's gut told him something was just not right here. None of it added up.

He walked to the bathroom door and rapped at it with his knuckles, “Scarlet? You in there?” 

Silence was his answer back.

He went to turn the knob and found it locked. His body was humming with all his alarm bells going off. Something was seriously wrong. Barry never locked the doors when they were here, why would he when he was alone?

“Barry?” Concern and urgency flooded his voice. Why was the door locked? Why wasn't he answering? Len grabbed his lock pick set he kept on his person and picked the lock. In 3.5 seconds, naturally. He threw his tools to the side and threw the door open. 

The sight he was met with caused him to stop in his tracks. There he was. His eyes were closed, his lips blue, the water red. 

“Barry!” He cried, rushing forward and going to pluck him out of the water. As soon as his skin broke the surface, he took in the frigid water. 

Picking him up and placing him on the floor, he took stock of his wrists. Precise cuts made on each going horizontally. That was their saving grace. He hoped. 

Len tore off his shirt ripping it in half, putting pressure on one wrist. “Mick, get in here. I need your help.” 

Mick walked in, before stopping momentarily, then rushing to Barry's side grabbing the other piece of the shirt and putting pressure on the other wrist. 

“What have you gone and done, Doll?” Mick said sadly. 

“Mick grab his other wrist I'm calling Sara. If we get him to the med Bay we may have a shot to save him.” 

Mick nodded and grabbed his wrists tightly, the white shirt already red. 

Len jumped up, dialing the number, and praying they hadn't left yet.

His only thought at this point was, we can't live without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok that's the end of chapter, two more and this is done. I may turn it into a series but I am unsure. I'm also debating if I am going to put a extra chap in there as a bonus to give a little more info into the interworkings of Barrys mind.
> 
> As that is said and done, if you are feeling suicidal please talk to someone, family, friend, therapist, hotline, police someone. I know what it's like and it in the end could hurt so many people. Hell, if you feel you have no one to talk to talk to me. I have been there and I would love to try to help you. You're not alone, you are loved, you are cared for, your life is worth something.


	3. Grief and misery go hand in hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Mick go through one of the worst days of their lives.

Len buried his head in his hands, his exhausted mind trying to talk him into sleeping. He couldn't though, not yet. Not.while Barry was fighting for his life. When he was on the phone with Sara, she advised they take him to Dr. snow at S.T.A.R labs and that she’d be better fitted to help the young man.

That was two days ago and the sound of the heart monitor was slowly driving him insane. Barry had yet to wake up and Len and Mick had yet to leave his side, not wanting to miss any improvement or update the doctor could give them.

“Len, you need to get some sleep, this isn't healthy. You don't want him to wake up and see you like this? Do you?” Mick asked his partner, softly. Taking Len into his arms he tried to provide any sort of comfort for the man.

Len sighed and leaned into Mich, burying his face into his broad chest. “What happens if he doesn't make it? Mick, what if we lose Barry?” Len keened. All the events of the past couple days finally hit him, he finally was starting to break down.

Mick rubbed soothing circles into Len’s back and held him tighter while the other man cried at the prospect of losing one of the few people he openly loved. “Listen to me, that boy is a fighter Len. He will try everything in his power to come back to us. We take everything a step at a time and go from there, okay?” 

Len nodded, taking his partners words to heart. 

A soft intake of breath got both men's attention as they saw their boyfriend’s beautiful green eyes open in two days. 

“Barry!” Len asked, startled flying to his side. 

Barry looked over at the two men who stole his heart, smiled at them softly. “I love you.” 

Suddenly as he awoke, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Body slumping, they heard the last thing they wanted to from the machinery hooked up to the man. 

A flatline heartbeat. 

Len screamed his boyfriends name while Mick went to grab Len as Dr. Snow jumped into action trying to save her friend. 

She attempted to save him for a half hour. 

The man they loved was gone from this world.

Barry Allen was dead. 

Len and Mick mourned the loss of the beautiful man they had come to love and trust. 

“March 18,2018 time of death: 2:01 pm.” Caitlin said, crying for the loss of her friend. 

They lost Barry the day that Barry lost his mother. The reason the dark thoughts had slithered into the man's head in the first place. The grief of losing his mother.

They would soon attend his funeral, finding out that Barry had planned. They had then found out after the funeral from Iris that Barry left them a large sum of money to do what they wanted with. They decided to open a center for those who needed help and didn't feel safe at home due to different reasons such as parents whom were abusive or didn't feel safe due to their sexuality. In the middle of the center was a wall, covered with different pictures and items. Amongst it was the drawing they had been given by their inspiration to go legit. 

The center was called the Barry Allen center for wayward souls.

Mick and Len would mourn Barry Allen up until the day they took their last breath, which was within a minute of each other, their last breaths taken in their sleep.

When the reopened their eyes there he was waiting for the men that he loved. Barry Allen welcomed them into their heaven. He would always be their salvation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok,were at the end of this journey. I've decided I am going to be making a separate series that explored the happenings when Barry Allen survives.


End file.
